I'm a British nanny, and I'm dangerous

charloft Friday: 25 Things

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 00:24:14 GMT

List 25 Facts people probably don't know about you . . .

1. My real name.
2. Aliases other than Smith.
3. That Smith could be my real name.
4. My age.
5. Where in Britain I was born.
6. How I got to the United States.
7. Why I left Britain.
8. How I became so fucking good as a nanny.
9. Why I like carrots.
10. Why I'm so secretive.
11. If I was Black Ops or not.
12. Fuck, even if I was in the military.
13. How I got to be so good.
14. Why I'm homeless.
15. And lived in a squat.
16. Why, when I have skills, I'm on welfare.
17. Why I get so annoyed with jackholes.
18. I'm happy with people thinking I don't exist.
19. I fuck up their lives when they realize I do.
20. How I am fucking good with just about any firearm you can name.
21. That I usually prefer to mind my own business.
22. I hate corrupt Senators.
23. And corrupt, money grabbing gun lobbyists.
24. And their hired lackeys.

Oh, and...

25. I'm the Unabomber.

charloft Thursday: What if...

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:52:18 GMT

Take a few steps back, take a left instead of a right, and walk down the road not traveled in your past.

What if I hadn't been sitting at that bus stop that night, minding my own business and drinking my coffee and eating a carrot? Things would have been a fuck sight different. What if I had, and when that pregnant woman stumbled past me, followed by those jackholes, I decided to do what I seriously considered and continue minding my own fucking business?

I would have had a quiet life, living in my squat, getting some extra money from making deposits at the sperm bank, and otherwise getting by without getting my arse shot at. Sure, fuckholes like Hammerson and the Senator would still be out there, but I'd be happily oblivious to that. Bigger arseholes like Hertz would still be the fucker he is, but again, not to me. Life would have continued as normal.

But, shit, on the other side, Oliver would've been dead before he was even born. DQ would still be letting johns suck her tits. Fuck, I may regret it sometimes, especially when I think about all the shit Hertz put me through, but I have DQ, Oliver, and even Duchess. [locked from Hertz] And secretly, it's kind of cool having my own little family.[/locked]

[TM] #266 Start something.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:29:49 GMT

The Green Bus pulled outside of the Dairy Queen, Smith knew...just knew...that DQ and Oliver would be somewhere around there waiting for him. He was still hurting and sore from the final showdown with Hertz and his paymaster, Hammerson, but at least those fuckers were out of the picture now. He adjusted the bandages on his busted up hands. It would be sometime before he could hold a gun properly again, and hopefully, he wouldn't have too.

He looked down at Duchess, Hammerson's dog, who looked back at him with her soft brown eyes. She was a lot better off with him, he figured, than that jackhole, even if he did have no home, no money and a family to feed and look after now. "Come on." They stepped off the bus and headed towards the restaurant. He figured he could ask in there if they had seen DQ, and get a coffee at least.

Sitting down at a booth, he wondered how things would be. It wasn't as if they were the perfect nuclear family, or would he ever have the little house with the white picket fence, but he did have DQ, a baby and even the dog. Perhaps they would all start again, together, and have some fucking peace and quiet. He was drawn from his thoughts by a woman's voice, a familiar, accented one,

"Shhh. Don't worry little boy, Mama will be watching you while she's working."

****
Smith
Fandom: Shoot 'Em Up
239 words (not including quote from movie)

charloft Wednesday/Thursday

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:30:05 GMT

Who among your friends or family has been the best influence on you? Who has inspired you, helped you or kept you in line long enough to achieve something good?

There's never been too many of those, people who inspire or have been a good influence on me. Most jackholes are just fucking useless, and like the rest of us, they go from one fucked up situation to the next. There is one exception, Oliver. I'm not going to get all touchy-feely, but I could have easily left that kid to get his brains blown out by Hertz. He was nothing to me. I didn't know him or his mother, even if I had just delivered him. Just a helpless, fucking baby who couldn't do anything except cry and shit.

But I saved his life, and looking at the little bastard, that's pretty fucking good.

charloft Wednesday: Ethnicity

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:56:59 GMT

And I'm not telling you jackholes any more than that.

OOC

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:53:04 GMT

Why Smith is just so very, very cool! ~~And Hertz too!~~

charloft Thursday: Pet Peeves

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:47:47 GMT

(OOC: I think this prompt was made for Smith. *g* The first three are quoted/paraphrased from the movie, all the others are based on canon.)

Do you know what I hate?

I hate forty-year old jackholes wearing ponytails. A pony tail doesn't make you look cool or hip.

I hate when parents hit their children. How would they like it if someone came up to them and started spanking them? Wonder if they think it feels good.

I hate assholes who can't be bothered to move their finger one fucking measly inch to use their turn signal and drive safely. Just because those rich bastards are so callous and inconsiderate in the first place to make all that money that when these pricks get into their luxury cars they can't fucking help themselves. It's in their nature.

I hate fuckers that make assumptions about who you are and how you got here.

Same with fuckers that refuse to die.

Oh yeah, I also hate balding, middle aged men who use a big gun to compensate for a tiny dick.

I hate Senators who think it's a pretty smart fucking idea to make deals with people who stand to profit.

I hate jackholes who refuse to eat their vegetables.

I hate fat assholes who slurp their milkshakes. Are those last fucking few drops in the bottom that important to get to that you have to sound like a fucking industrial suction pump?

I hate jackhole rednecks who wear Birkenstocks, women's earrings, give me the fucking finger, and who also think they're tougher than all shit.

That's just the short list.

charloft Sunday timeline

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:15:38 GMT

There really isn't a whole lot to Smith's timeline as...well he's not very forthcoming.

1962 -- Born, United Kingdom.
7 September, 2007 (approx 1 am) -- Sits at bus stop minding own business
+ 2 minutes -- Sees jackholes hunting a pregnant woman
+ 5 minutes -- Delivers baby boy and kills jackholes, one with a carrot
Next 48 hours or so -- kills a hundred more jackholes, 1 Senator, saves 1 baby and 1 lactating prostitute.
-- gets fucked up by head jackhole, Hertz, fingers busted.
-- shoots Hertz
-- gets the fuck out of the city and finds aforementioned baby and prostitute safe at a Dairy Queen.
-- shoots three more jackholes using a carrot.

charloft Munday: Problems

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:54:19 GMT

What sorts of problems have you encountered with developing/playing/writing your characters? How did you overcome these difficulties?

With Smith the biggest problem is that there is, other than the events of the movie, no information to go on. He has no backstory, and the guesses that his enemy, Karl Hertz, does make are neither confirmed nor denied by him. We only get to know his last name, Smith...and that might not even be it. Other than him being English, he could be anybody. Likewise the movie is as vague, with the city never being identified or the location of where he, Oliver and DQ end up.

In a way it is both freeing and challenging. I have a blank slate with Smith, in that as canon tells me nothing, I can make him what I like. At the same time, though I like the vagueness about him and the fact that this very capable, firearms expert, came from out of nowhere and it seems a shame to spoil that with making up some backstory for him. And therein lies the problem. It makes answering some prompts quite difficult as it limits me to just answering with what is seen on screen. At the moment, as he's still quite new, it's not too bad, but once he's answered all that he can, I'm hoping that there will be something that will carry him on.

charloft Twos-day and Graphics Wednesday

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:07:59 GMT

What two material things can't you live without?

If we're talking about now, right now and strictly material, one would definitely be a gun ~~like one of those nice ones from Hammerson with the fingerprint recognition~~. You know before all this shit happened, I didn't even have one. That changed as soon as I helped that woman, I took hers. She couldn't shoot worth shit. It was a piece of crap, but did the job until I got another. The other thing is my carrots. You should always eat your vegetables.

What would you do if one of those things were taken from you and you had no way of getting it back?

The gun wouldn't matter so much. I can always get another from somewhere. Same with my carrots. Sure, I'd be pissed off, but it's not like I can't find them anywhere.

Secrets

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

Just who the fuck am I?

Hertz tried to guess. Shit, he probably still thinks that I was Black Ops or some such crap. The thing is why should I tell any of you arseholes? It's none of your fucking business.

Okay, I'll come clean.

I'm the Unabomber.

[TM] #254 What was the longest day of your life?

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:58:28 GMT

What was the longest day of your life?

There's not many days that you start off with minding your own fucking business at a bus stop with a carrot and a cup of cheap coffee and end it with a newborn baby, a lactating prostitute, my squat getting fucking shot up, and a few more dozen corpses behind me.

That's how this shit all happened. I had to go and get myself involved, but what else could I fucking do, let a woman in labour get killed by the arsehole following her. Fucking hell, there was no choice. The fucker was about to give her a C-section when I caught up with them. How many here know that carrots are lethal weapons. Well, this fucker didn't either until I rammed one through his neck. Then there were more all over us, jack-holes that is. I delivered the baby and the girl gets killed. If I'd left the baby, I wouldn't be fucking here telling this story, would I. Couldn't leave the little shit to those bastards. Then I got followed by another fucker, who turned out to be a Fed. I needed to feed the kid, so I went to the only person I knew could help, DQ. She's a lactating whore, not my kink, but comes in useful.

So that fucker, Hertz finds out where I've gone, so we have to leave the brothel. By this time it's dark again, and I'm out of ammunition. We head to the nearest pawnbrokers and try and persuade the woman to take food stamps. In the end, she settled for my cheque from the blood bank. DQ also bought Oliver a flak vest. Like she said it's safer than a crib. We head back to my place, and all's nice and quiet until Hertz and his fucking goons show up again. Like I said, a few more dead, and we get away just for him to track us with a dog.

And that was just the first fucking day!

[TM] #253 Awesome (Application Prompt)

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:27:14 GMT

Awesome? That's a little hyperbolic, isn't it? It's always awesome this, awesome that, and I really hate that. Seeing as I am here, I might as well talk about two people that I do find, for lack of a better fucking word: Awesome.

First there's Oliver. I sort of adopted him at birth. Yeah, I was there when these jackholes tried to kill his mother as she gave birth to him. How do I know? I was there, delivered him in the middle of a gun fight. They killed her right after and would have killed him if I hadn't taken him. That's how I got Oliver, and I spent the next few days trying to stop him from being killed. It wasn't fucking easy. I killed a lot of arseholes along the way, even the biggest one of the lot of them, Hertz. I ended up with Oliver, named him 'cause I like "Oliver Twist".

I also ended up with DQ. She was a lactating prostitute I knew. Offered her five grand to breast feed Oliver instead of johns. Told me to fuck off until Hertz started asking her some questions with a Desert Eagle. Then we sort of grew into a family, while shooting the bad guys. Now they're ~~almost~~all dead, and we're safe and together. But there's still plenty of jackholes to shoot and always will be.

-----
Smith
Shoot 'Em Up
(246 words)

charloft Munday: A letter to the muse

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:51:06 GMT

Dear Smith,

I guess first of all I should welcome you to the already over crowded headspace. You're new, not even been here a week, and I know that you're still settling in, but would it kill you to share a little of your backstory with me?

I know that you want Hertz to keep guessing about whether he's right or wrong about you, but is there any reason you're keeping it from me? I am your mun after all, and it's bloody hard to write someone who won't tell you anything. So if you want to stick around here, you have to loosen up. We'll keep it locked from Hertz and anyone else. Even a first name would be nice!

Your mun.

PS. Can you get rid of all these carrots that have suddenly appeared?

charloft Friday list : Most important people

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:38:44 GMT

You wanted three, well too fucking bad. Some of us don't have that many. You get two.

Baby Oliver: I brought him into this fucked up world, and his mother was killed minutes later. I just couldn't leave and let those assholes kill him too. And seeing what I've fucking been through for that kid, he's pretty important to me. Which means try and hurt him, and you fuck with me.

DQ: Or Donna Quintano, a lactating whore I knew and took Oliver to. We go back, but that was a purely professional arrangement. Now, not so much. She helped me with Oliver, even though I lied about the five grand, and she seems to care for the kid genuinely. Plus the sex is fantastic. And yeah, mess with her and you're dealing with me too. Even with busted fingers, I'm a great shot.

What's in your pockets?

Smith digs into his coat pockets and produces:

* A carrot
* A Sig-Sauer pistol
* A pacifier
* Food stamps
* Another carrot
* Extra bullets
* A bit of loose change
* Dirt and fluff

charloft Home

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 00:13:48 GMT

Home is where the heart is. Bullshit. If that was the case that fucking dump of an abandoned building that I, until recently lived in, wasn't home. Just some place I lived in. It was a good enough place though. Up in the loft, so I could get a good view of the city. Nothing like urban waste and decay to cheer a fucker up. I had state of the art security, a trained rat who would unlock the door for me. It worked really well until that jackhole, Hertz, arrived. Don't know how many of his men I killed there. Dozens. So yeah, that's not home anymore.

Do you know what I hate? Being evicted.

I do have a new home now with the baby and DQ, who works at DQ, well away from the city. You want to know where? Like fuck I'll tell you.

charloft

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 06:28:06 GMT

You know what I hate? Jackholes that like to go around advertising themselves.

Still, it's the best intro you'll get from me.